Numbers - Caught in the middle

I am not much of a blogger, in fact I pretty much stink at writing... Inspirational writing is just not my greatest talent.  I do however have a love for people and a passion for missions.  I am all about sharing my heart and my dreams, my highs and my lows, the good and the bad.  I am REAL!

Let me share a little background with you of who I am.  My name is Angie and I am a mother of 4 beautiful children.  My kids are Joel (14), Jaden (12), Justin (11) and Jara (10).  I am a single mom and missionary to Honduras.  In January of 2014 my husband of then 12 years and I packed our family up and moved from Tennessee to Honduras.  God blessed us with an incredible ministry to the people of a small community called El Filtro.  We built a feeding center in 2015 and opened a church and a trade school for women.  God was doing amazing things!
In late 2016 I found myself alone.  My husband of 15 years decided he didn't love me anymore and walked out of our lives for another woman.  My heart was broken into a million pieces.  I fought hard for my marriage.  I could not believe something like this could happen to me.  I couldn't believe it could happen to us.  Missionaries!  This sort of thing is not something that should be happening. How could my husband who was in full time ministry with me for 13 years just walk away?  What happened?  Where did we go wrong?
Let me just say that I am fully aware that Satan is out to destroy.  He wanted to destroy our marriage, our family, our reputations, our purpose and calling in life and more than anything our ministry.  He was not happy that we were sharing the love of Jesus with the people of Honduras.  He wasn't happy that we were making a difference in the lives of others, that we were ministering and discipling the people and showing them what it really meant to have a relationship with Christ.  Satan hated that. Satan wanted nothing more than to destroy it all... and he did, to a point and for a period of time. But as Christians we know that Satan will not win, Christ will have the VICTORY!
In January of 2017 after much heartache and loneliness my children and I returned to Tennessee not knowing what was next for us.  The next several months were depressing.  The unknown was miserable.  Would my husband return to me and the kids?  Would I ever return to Honduras?  Was I going to be a single mom working multiple jobs to try and provide?  What was I going to do?  Where would I live?  How would I live on my own with my children?  The worry, the loneliness, the heartache, it was all so unbearable.
One afternoon in early March the depression got so bad that I found myself lying on my sisters bathroom floor shaking and crying out to God, asking him to just take it all because I could not deal with it any longer.  It was to much, to heavy to carry.  I know we all have heard people say, just let God take care of it, give him your worries, let it go... But that is so much easier said than done.  So many times I asked God to take it, I asked him to just relieve me of it all but I had no idea how to actually hand it to him and not take it back.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.  I was constantly, daily having to ask him to take it from me.  Every time I would pick it back up and start worrying or stressing I would have to give it back to him.  This went on for the longest time before I really started to feel relief.  It was something I had to give him over and over until I started to let go and let him take it over.
During the month of March I was on an antidepressant.  I know for a lot of people that are christians that is a big no-no.  I mean why do you need antidepressants when you have God?  I will be the first to tell you that there is no shame in getting a little help.  I knew I needed it.  I could not go on.  I was reading my Bible 6+ hours a day and praying constantly but I still needed something else to help me get over the hump I was stuck on.  I am not a pill popper and I don't like to take meds for anything if I don't have to, but I came to a point where I knew I had to do something because everyone around me was suffering as well as myself.  My kids needed me and I couldn't be there for them.  I wanted to be, I needed to be but I just couldn't.  Thankfully after a month I was able to quit taking my meds and my life seemed to be heading in the right direction emotionally.
In mid April I felt God calling me and my kids back to Honduras.  It was amazing the peace and joy I felt.  I know it seems crazy to many that I would want to go back, that I would have what it takes to go back as a single mom but let me say that when you are doing what God has asked of you, there is no greater joy or peace.  When I left Honduras in January I felt lost.  I felt I had lost my purpose in life which was to serve the Lord through missions but God showed me that he wasn't finished with me yet.  In April I had my purpose back, my mission back, my hopes and dreams back!  I have since been working hard on building a financial team to back my family and the ministry up and I have set a goal to be back in Honduras permanently by the end of September.  I am so excited about all the doors the Lord has opened so far and all the doors he will continue to open along the way.
So lets fast forward to today... I have officially been divorced for 4 days now.  Is it strange?  Yes.  Is it what I wanted?  NO.  Do I think it will affect my ministry?  Yes... But I believe God is going to use me and my story to minister to so many women in Honduras.  You see adultery is huge.  Men are absent from the homes.  There are so many single mothers who are seeking to fill that empty place in their hearts.  I believe God has given me a message to share with these ladies.  There is no man on this earth that can fill that void.  No man is perfect and they will fail us in some way or another.  God is the only one that can fill that empty place, the only one that will never leave us or let us down.  He is the only one who can bring true joy to our lives.  My hope is that my story of how God brought me through the absolute biggest nightmare of my life and strengthened my relationship with him will encourage the women of Honduras.  That it will open doors to build relationships with the ladies and to share the importance of a relationship with Christ.  It will be my new platform to share Jesus with others that are seeking for something more.  For that reason alone I am thankful for the mess God brought me through.  He has turned my mess into a message, a message of HOPE.

This is my first blog post, and like I said at the beginning, writing is not my thing.  My hope in having this blog is to be able to encourage and inspire other women and to keep a "journal" for myself to remind me of the junk i've been through and how God worked in me through it all.  To be able to share the REAL me... yes I am a missionary, but I am just like everyone else.  I have the same struggles, if not more than others. I deal with the same issues in life.  I'm a new single mom and honestly I don't know if I know how to do this... But I will do my best!  I am excited about what the future holds and how God will work in my life, my children's lives and the lives of the people I will be ministering to.
I hope you enjoyed getting to know me just a little bit and I hope you will continue to walk with me through life and allow me to share the good and the bad, the struggles and the victories along my journey.

 If you are interested in getting to know more about my ministry in Honduras please check us out at: Thefillingstationhonduras.com or on Facebook at: The Filling Station Honduras